Finding the Right Words for a Mourner: A Guide to Providing Comfort

Offering comfort to someone grieving is one of the most compassionate things we can do, but it’s also challenging. Many people ask themselves:

• What are authentic words of comfort?
• How can I help ease the pain of a grieving friend or loved one?
• How do I express condolences sincerely, without unintentionally causing hurt?

These questions reflect the universal struggle of balancing well-meaning intentions with the fear of saying the wrong thing. Fortunately, both Jewish tradition and contemporary practices offer guidance on how to provide genuine comfort to those in mourning.

The Power of Presence: Lessons from Job

In the Bible, Job’s three friends sat with him in silence for seven days before he spoke. From this example, Jewish tradition emphasizes three core principles for comforting mourners:

• Be There: Your presence speaks louder than words.
• Speak in Silence: Let the mourner lead the conversation.
• Hear with Your Heart: Listen empathetically without judgment or interruption.

Hear with Your Heart: The Art of Empathetic Listening

Active listening is a cornerstone of comforting a mourner. It involves not just hearing their words but attuning to their emotions and providing a supportive, non-judgmental space. Here’s how to practice active listening effectively when comforting someone in grief:

Tailoring Your Listening Style

Every mourner is different. Reflect on how you typically listen and adjust your style to focus on connection. For example:

• A relational listening style aims to understand and respond to the mourner’s emotions rather than fix their problems.
• Avoid task-oriented or critical listening styles, which may unintentionally come across as dismissive.

Staying Fully Present

Distractions—external and internal—can prevent us from truly hearing someone. Stay present by:

• Putting away devices and making eye contact.
• Using a mantra like “I am here to listen” to refocus if your mind wanders.
• Gently asking for clarification if you miss something: “I think I missed your last point. Could you repeat it?”

Encouraging the Mourner to Open Up

Rather than offering reassurance or steering the conversation, invite deeper sharing with open-ended questions:

• “What’s been the hardest part for you?”
• “Can you tell me more about how you’re feeling?”

This approach creates space for the mourner to express their emotions without feeling dismissed.

Responding with Care

Think of yourself as a trampoline, amplifying the mourner’s thoughts and feelings:

• Reflect emotions back to show understanding: “It sounds like you’re feeling…”
• Avoid jumping in with solutions or sharing personal stories unless directly asked.

By adopting these active listening strategies, you can provide a mourner with the validation and support they need to navigate their grief.

Words From a Rabbi: What to Say at Shiva

Rabbi Greenbaum reflects on the idea that nobody means to be insensitive, but encourages people to think a little bit deeper, offering some of these tips below:

• Don’t Minimize: Don’t spend your visit minimizing the mourner’s loss by comparing this family tragedy with the losses you’ve personally suffered in the past.
• Follow Their Lead:Instead, let the mourner guide you to his or her specific needs. It’s okay to be quiet; your comforting presence is all that is needed. The only thing you need to say is the traditional line of “Hamakom yenachem etchem betoch shaar avelay tziyon veerushayaim” (May the Omnipresence comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem).
• Don’t Justify G‑d: Think carefully before making statements like “G‑d never sends you a trial that you don’t have the strength to overcome,” “Only the good die young,” “You’re lucky that he died so suddenly and didn’t suffer for long,” or “She’s in a better place now.” There’s nothing necessarily wrong with any of these statements, and some people might find them comforting, but the mourner may be hurt by the assumption.

Thoughtful Gestures: What to Bring to Shiva

Supporting mourners during shiva often involves providing for their practical needs. Popular and appropriate items include:

• Kosher baked goods (inquire about dietary preferences).
• Include other prepared meals, such as casseroles or soups, to provide the family with sustenance throughout the week.
• Donations to a charity in their loved one’s honor.
• A cozy blanket or small cushion to bring physical comfort.
• Cleaning supplies or offering to help clean up the home.
• Paper goods such as plates, cups, and napkins to reduce the burden on the family.
• A cozy blanket or small cushion to bring physical comfort.

Writing a Condolence Card: Tips for Meaningful Sympathy Notes

A well-crafted condolence letter can offer lasting comfort. Consider these steps:

1. Acknowledge the loss and name their loved one.
2. Share specific memories or qualities.
3. Offer specific help or support.

Want more advice on how to write a sympathy note or letter of condolence? You can click here for help.